Building A New Community: Morning Coffee Meetups

Staying In Touch

May 26

I was surprised last December after completing my annual year end assessment (thanks, Susannah Conway) that it seemed like the thing I was missing most in my life was community. I know so many people and continue to meet more each month, so how could this possibly be?

I had just finished the book Belong by Radha Agrawal (excellent book, very colorful, there are even pictures) and she talked about assessing your current relationships, figuring out what type of people you want to connect with, and where to find them. I realized the last time I was craving community, this was something that I took upon myself to fix. Way back in 2014 I took it upon myself to start the group PHLbloggers (nameless upon initiation) to bring together bloggers in the Philadelphia area. While we learned a lot about blogging from each other and the experts we brought in, I think the thing most of us left with was feeling a sense of community - knowing other, like-minded people around town that you could connect with after your day job was finished. PHLbloggers faded out in 2019, but many of the relationships stand strong.

Life and distance have the ability to get in the way to be able to consistently make plans with others, and I found myself longing for the idea of community that had been sold to me through my years through sitcoms. The friend group. The group that is together all the time and knows everything about each other’s lives. Friends, Living Single, Boy Meets World, Golden Girls, Saved By The Bell, Will and Grace, Cheers, Seinfeld, How I Met Your Mother, and more. What did all of these characters have in common with each other? Consistency.

As I stated, the problem wasn’t that I didn’t know people, I realized the problem was that they didn’t know each other. I took out a pen and paper and wrote the names of friends in the nearby area (or who might be willing to come there). These folks were kind, thoughtful, open to meeting new people, and what I think might be the secret sauce after a lot of consideration, possibly the most important factor – warm.

What do I mean by warm? Katie Dalebout talks a lot about how she always wanted to be cool growing up, but she realized in her 20s that there was just no chance of her every being cool. Cool people don’t care about what other people think, they can be stand-offish, and they may not necessarily easily engage. Warm people on the other hand, really do care about what people think and will engage you in conversation where you are with an open mind and open heart.

In creating my list of people, I originally thought that it was going to need to be all women in order to reach the level of vulnerability I wanted to achieve, but I realized there were some men that I definitely wanted to be on the list, so what was the difference? After weeks of thinking, I think being warm is the answer.

We’re a good mix of introverts and extroverts. A mix of parents, not-yet parents, and not parents. And an age range from late twenties through forties. And everyone has their own little bit of experience and perspective to bring to the table.

I emailed everybody the first week in January. My first email said, I know we’re all in different places in life and the world, but in thinking back on 2022 some of my favorite moments were coffee meet-ups – would anybody be interested in joining me for a weekly meet-up? I described the premise as “a group of creative, thoughtful, innovative individuals with whom to share your weekly goings-on.” I also made sure to point out that we would only commit to the first month, see how it went, and re-opt in the next month if we liked it. Spoiler alert, we all liked it.

I mapped where we each lived and found coffee shops in the area that opened early and we all agreed to meet at 7:30am before work started for the day. As someone who can easily work long into the evening, it was important to me to have the connection before the day gets crazy. I wondered if anybody else would be into this idea. I emailed 15 people and a crew of 6-8 people said yes. Mostly morning people in close proximity to the suggested coffee shops.

The first few weeks, when we all showed up, we used a prompt. “What’s on your mind this week?” But just a few weeks in, we no longer needed the prompt. People were quick to jump in with thoughtful questions, resources, appreciation, and support. From week to week, people would ask follow-up questions - how is your job search going, have you made that dentist appointment yet, and how was your silent retreat last weekend? People have even started inviting each other to gatherings outside of the weekly coffee meet-ups just to hang out, which makes my heart swell.

There are a few things that I think have made this a success:

Everybody is warm. See blurb above.
Everybody is willing. I had really no control over this, but I think laying out the objectives in the pitch email definitely helps people know whether or not they want to commit. I think other people were also craving this kind of community.
It’s on the calendar. I send out the invitations each month so it is blocked, otherwise, it will never happen. I only send the invitations a month at a time. This allows us to recommit each month, and to choose a different location each month. We are currently alternating between two South Philly coffeeshops that work wonderfully.
It’s consistent. Having a regular time and place to meet at helps us all remember to be there - and it gives us something to look forward to.
It’s a central meeting spot. The two cafes we alternate between are right in the middle of where everybody lives, just a short 20 minute walk or a few minute bus ride away - easy to do rain or shine.
We total about 7 people. This is the right sized group to fit around a larger coffee table. It’s the right size group to be able to hear everybody at once when they talk. It’s also the right size group that if there are folks who can’t make it one week, there are still other folks there to fill the seats.

There’s also two things that I think really helped out at the beginning. First, because I was the only person who knew everyone, I made sure that I was able to be in attendance consistently for the first month to bridge any possible awkwardness. The second is that we have a few resident assistants in the group. If you are trying to figure out who in your life is a connector, just figure out who was a resident assistant in college. Those folks are wired to help bring people together, engage others in conversations, and ask good questions. Yes, I was an RA in college. I think we have three or four.

The feedback on the group has been very positive. People have made new friends, they like feeling like they’ve accomplished something before the start of their day, and they like the excuse to get up early because it feels productive.

Honestly, it’s one of the highlights of my week every week. And every time I run into one of these folks while walking around the neighborhood my heart fills up a little bit more – such a good feeling to happenstancily run into a friendly, familiar face. I definitely think it’s filled a little bit of that gap of hoping for my own Friends circle - and we all have our go-to seats on the couch.

I’m excited to see how the group evolves over time as well. We already know two folks will be heading to Colorado before the year is out, so whoever joins us will have a new energy to add to the crew.

I highly recommend if community is something that you are craving to create your own weekly meet-up group. Find the people in your life who bring you energy and happiness and introduce them to each other. Or find some friends through other friends, local Facebook pages, apps, or co-workers. (If you’re looking for more assistance with finding people, I absolutely recommend reading Radha’s book. She does an amazing job breaking this down.)

Choose a place in the neighborhood and a time that works for everyone and put it on the calendar. Make it happen. And don’t worry about committing to weekly right now, start with just a month and go from there. A little experiment can lead to great things.