Friendship After Kids
A few years ago I compiled a post called How to Stay in Touch with Your Married Friends and Friends With Kids. I say compiled because I crowd-sourced the answers because I didn’t feel adequately knowledgeable on the subject to write an entire post about it. Why? Because it’s a really challenging thing that at this point I have only been through from one side of the equation.
As I’ve come into my late twenties, I’ve hit the point in life where it feels like everyone on Facebook is posting fun pregnancy announcements and loading my wall with posts of children. Recently, there have even been a few friends I hadn’t spoken to in a bit that have posted that their child is now a few months old, and I find myself wondering, did I do something wrong in this relationship to not know they had a child?
When I found myself thinking about these questions again I decided to ask somebody who has more experience than me and who has actually been through the becoming a parent thing to share his perspective on friendship after a baby, what’s really happening on the other side, and to share his best tips for managing those relationships while everything is changing.
And who better than Andy Shaw from Instafather? He writes a blog about (you guessed it) what it’s like to become a father in an instant and how to give new fathers the confidence they need to be great dads. He’s also a comedian, so the way he shares stories and advice always feels relatable, which is a lovely thing when the subject can get a little bit, well, awkward. Thanks so much, Andy, for writing a guest post on friendship after a baby. Enjoy!
“Well, I guess we’ll see them again in about a year!”
Doesn’t that kind of sound like what you say when you find out a friend is having a baby?
It’s the side of pregnancy that most friends don’t discuss, in part because, well, it’s hella awkward! I’ve gone through it many times on both sides. I’ve got three kids (My son just turned 5, and I have twin 3-year-old girls), and seemingly every get-together with friends and family involves lots of babies and toddlers.
Finding how to keep a friendship going strong when one of you is expecting for the first time can be difficult. It’s no wonder. We all focus on celebrating the pregnancy, talking endlessly about baby showers and how they’ll decorate the nursery and potential baby names (God, isn’t it fun when you know and no one else does?).
But what we don’t ever really say is this:
If you’re a couple expecting your first baby, you are going to be absolutely swallowed up when the baby arrives, no matter how much prep you do. And that’s OK! That’s fine! Even Cardi B just announced she’s canceling her tour because having a baby was a lot more involved than she expected. And while you adjust to your new normal, it’ll take some time to find good ways to get into any kind of routine of seeing friends beyond a quick “Say hello to the baby” drop-in while you try to remember when was the last time you showered on consecutive days.
If you’re single and your friends are getting married off and having babies, you are starting to realize that some of them are just hitting a new chapter in life – I know that’s how I felt. That might make you feel isolated. Or ignored. Or that you want to be there for them, but you’re not sure how. You know the baby is a huge deal and you are so excited for your friend, but you also worry about how that’ll impact your friendship.
If you have kids and they are having their first kid, you already know the hurricane that’s about to hit. And, for my wife and I, we know that we’ll hit a mental pause on that friendship while they adjust, knowing that we are here for whatever they need and that we’ll be ready to jump back into it whenever they are ready.
Do any of those sound like you?
Here’s the main thing I’d love for you to remember for those of you in the first two categories: They say having a baby is a life-changing experience because it literally is.
This isn’t getting a new job with a new schedule.
This isn’t moving one city away and now you have to find time to do weekend getaways together.
This isn’t a new hobby that’s swallowing up their time that you’re just not into.
This is truly a flip-everything-upside-down, “I don’t know if I have any clothes that do not have fluids on them,” what-day-is-it-please-god-tell-me milestone that’s happening. It’s miraculous. It, in many ways, is going to be something that changes your entire view on the world if you’re the new parent, as you realize you’ve got a deeper love inside you that you didn’t know existed. You created a human! Of course some things are going to change!
And if you are the friend with no baby, I wonder if you had thoughts like I used to in that situation:
“I get that the baby is up a lot but how can you be that tired?”
“Can’t they just get a sitter?”
“I don’t see why they can’t just bring the baby. I’m sure we can all help take turns watching him.”
“It’s been like six months, I wonder when they will resurface?”
The answers to those, coming from a dad of three:
I used to pull all-nighters putting together the weekly newspaper in my college. I thought I was tired back then. I was an idiot. I have never been so tired in my life as I was when I had a newborn who was colicky. He slept in 15 minute increments. I fell asleep standing up. So going out at 9 p.m.? Hahahahahahaha
Sitters, first off, cost money. So if you’re proposing a night out, I get it, but parents have to factor in another $30-$60, easy, on top of that. And if it’s a newborn, well, I know most parents don’t trust anyone with a newborn baby, let alone a babysitter. Now by the second or third kid? I’d be fine with a gerbil water bottle and Netflix. But new parents are going to have sitter anxiety plus feel poor.
Even if there are a few of you going out to help take a turn, it is impossible to feel truly relaxed if your baby is with you and you’re out. So that diminishes some of the fun, even if the baby is being chill. It also changes the dynamic. Can this work sometimes? Yep! But asking a friend to take a baby to a sit-down restaurant is not really ideal. And trust me, they’d love to eat at a sit-down restaurant! With silverware and everything! Note: If your friend is nursing, but isn’t the kind who wants to nurse in public, you gotta factor that in, too. They have to know if there’s a clean, private room in advance, and that’s not always possible. If it’s a dad, there are still factors on whether the baby can come with him. I know I always had to keep in mind what time the kids needed to go to bed or needed fed, so even if I could handle having my son out with me as a newborn, I had to factor that in.
They’ll resurface when they resurface. One of the toughest things about becoming a parent is figuring out who you are anymore. Or maybe that you just really love being around your kid and never really hang around with adults anymore (like if you are a stay-at-home-parent), and now the idea of going out seems daunting.
What You Can Do To Keep A Friendship Going After a Baby
If you’re a new parent, do yourself a favor and be clear with close friends. If you really would like to see them but are exhausted/just need a break, let them know that what you’d truly love is if they could just come watch the baby for two hours so you could take a power nap or go grab a coffee by yourself. Close friends will get that it does not mean you love them less. In fact, you being vulnerable about it should let them see you value them more than ever.
And as you get used to the new you, you’ll find ways to fit in true bonding time like you used to. Let me get on a soapbox for a second and say that dads better be doing their share here and not be the reason the mom can’t go out. Dads should frequently be taking care of the baby solo. He got you pregnant. He can do a freaking swaddle. One of the easiest ways for a mom to still feel like a whole person is for her to have an equal partnership in parenting. That gives both parents the comfort that they can grab drinks with a friend or go support a friend’s art exhibit, and that the baby will still be in great hands (and that you won’t need a babysitter or a guilt trip to make it happen.)
You can also just make a point to periodically send a quick hello to friends you haven’t had the chance to see, beyond just liking an Instagram post. Catch up on the gossip, ask how their careers are going, talk pop culture, whatever works. You don’t have to overthink this. You can still keep in touch! And people will expect you to talk about your baby, so don’t feel bad about it. They want to know. Just remember that outside of your world, you have friends who aren’t going through this same experience and have a whole other life that doesn’t revolve around feeding schedules and naps and diapers. Remind yourself to keep a pulse on how they are doing! It’ll help you feel more connected, too.
If you’re the friend of a new parent, figure out what your expectations are. I don’t know any new parents who keep everything exactly the same when the baby arrives or even in the months after. So, with that in mind, what new parents would absolutely go nuts over is if you made some random kind gestures. We’ve had friends who cleaned our house after our babies got sick and we were overwhelmed. We’ve had friends, without hesitation, watch our son so we could go do something. We’ve had friends make us dinner (for two vegans, no less!), knowing we’d be too out of sorts to do it. God, we’ve got some good friends.
Beyond the gestures, if you can be patient and flexible during this new phase in life, it’ll pay back tenfold. Pick times to meet that work around nap times (Don’t mess with a baby’s nap time. Seriously.). Know that if your friend runs late or has to cancel last minute, she feels horrible about it and is well aware. One thing that’s worked for us is making a lot of people come to us. That means we host more often, but we also can control the schedule better, especially when we had babies. I’d put the girls down to sleep upstairs, and my wife could start entertaining downstairs. Your new parent friend is going to really appreciate everything you’re doing now to keep the friendship after a baby; if that means you just lay low for a bit and then check back in when things seem calmer, that’s OK, too!
It’s a lot of change for everyone. But what you get out of it is a freaking baby. Your friend circle just grew by one!
Solid perspective, right? As a person who thinks incredibly logically most of the time, I found it useful to hear the other side of the questions I sometimes ask in my head about friendship after a baby, and it was nice to be reminded that this baby can become part of your circle too one day. (You know, once all of the hot mess stuff dies down.)
If you’re interested in hearing more from Andy about navigating life with kids (even if you don’t have them yourself), you can visit him on his blog, Instafather – and even read a few chapters of the new book he’s working on called The New Moms Guide to New Dads.
Jessica from Sweet Love and Ginger and I also had the chance to interview him recently on the podcast in an episode called Kids Parties and Kids at Parties with Instafather Andy to talk about Having Parties with Kids (from the perspective of having kids and not having kids), as well as attending parties with kids (also both from the perspective of having kids and not having kids). We would love for you to check it out.
Andy Shaw is a full-time college admissions’ marketing director, a father of twin 3-year-old girls and a 5-year-old boy, an improv comedian with The Oxymorons, a social media consultant, and a Saved by the Bell scholar. He’s made a goal of helping new dads gain confidence with Instafather.com by sharing his own humbling stories and practical advice on fatherhood. He’s the upcoming author of “The New Mom’s Guide to New Dads,” a book based on helping moms figure out what dads are thinking and how to get them more involved by raising expectations. While all of these jobs and roles may seem like a lot, Andy has watched his incredible wife give birth to twins so he’s just gonna keep quiet.
