Tips for Staying Connected with New Parents
I’ve officially entered a new era of life — motherhood. And while I have many thoughts and feelings on motherhood, at least one thing is definitely true, it affects the relationships with the people around you. I was someone who barely told anyone I was pregnant until almost six months, hiding it strategically with oversized shirts and sweaters in the middle of winter. My friends wanted to know how they could show up for me — and the thing was, I didn’t know. I had no idea. I had never been a mother before, so how was I supposed to know what I needed? But now three months into this new adventure, I can tell you what has turned out to be the best formula for staying connected with your new mom friends.
Meet Them Where They Are Mentally
There are a lot of feelings that come with being a new parent, and they’re not all good ones. They may be happy, they may be sad, they may be excited. Even more than them “just being hormonal” - which I have a lot of thoughts about - every hour can feel like a million minutes long. So even though it might feel like there are a lot of feelings, sometimes it feels like each one has lasted a lifetime. Just ask how they are today and start there.
I was not the easiest to talk to pregnant person. I spent a lot of time angry. Not at the kid, but rather at society expectations and standards of everything that went along with motherhood. The thing I was most appreciative of were the folks who just listened. As a verbal processor, a lot of times I was just trying to figure out how I felt about things while I was saying them. The people who just let me talk through things were the ones who helped me the most.
And really listen and be with whatever those feelings are. If your friend is happy, sit in happy. If your friend is sad, sit in sad. You don’t need to solve the problem if there is a problem, acknowledging that you hear and understand what your friend is saying is enough.
Meet Them Where They Are Physically
It’s easier for you to go to them than it is for them to go to you, so if you can and they’re amenable to it, stop by the house. The folks who have stopped by and just sat on the couch with me felt like little pockets of bright light in a day that otherwise felt like me filling in both sides of the conversation while talking to someone who doesn’t understand me. Some friends came over and offered to help, some cooked dinner and breakfast for me, but it was truly the couch sitting that meant the most to me. Bonus points to anyone who came prepared with a book that they could sit and read in a different room while I was feeding the baby at the beginning as well.
As a more shy person, it was always a little awkward to try to figure out the best way to feed with someone there, but what worked best was me telling someone to leave the room while I got myself setup and then I would invite them back into the room once I was covered. Or for somebody to just stay in the other room for the duration of the feed.
After spending time at other people’s houses it’s definitely do-able, just takes a little more planning. It often involves bringing my to-go diaper bag, but also may include a portable bassinet and/or baby bouncer to make sure that he has somewhere to sleep or sit.
Connect Routinely
For me, a type A human, having something on the calendar that is repetitive has been incredibly helpful. For me this is weekly morning coffee, dance class, and singing at church. This means that it’s a known quantity and something my husband and I can plan for each week, which makes it easier to make happen. Even if I show up late because of the baby’s schedule, I can still usually be there at least within 20 minutes of the start time, which feels like enough!
This has tended to work best either when it’s a larger group meeting up, so it doesn’t rely on me being there on time, or by staying in touch with the person I’m meeting leading up to heading out the door. I usually know exactly how late I’ll be an hour before our start time. So if nothing else, I can at least warn them so they can leave later or bring something to entertain themselves.
Connect Asynchronously
There’s a lot of middle of the night phone time. Instagram messages were great. Connecting via email was great (in the first month I got to inbox 0 from 17,000). Text messages were great. Anything that I could use my phone to respond with one handedly. Voice memos could be good during the day, but were a little bit complicated for middle of the night listening. Don’t always expect an immediate response, but if you can find a platform that you can talk to each other not in real time, they’ll get back to you eventually!
Connect About Something Specific
One of the greatest successes I had was connecting with work friends to talk about reality television. I wasn’t even a reality television human before going out on maternity leave, but at the very beginning I had a lot of time to watch television and so I was able to watch Secret Lives of Mormon Wives and Love Island. Then we would connect to debrief the shows once a week (and also send a lot of random emojis and one liners while individually watching).
I loved the fact that we had something to talk about that wasn’t the baby. And it turns out I like reality television more than I thought I did. Who knew? I assume something like: sports, a television show currently on the air, a new album that just came out, or a podcast would have the same effect here. It’s like the shorter, less mentally-committed book club option.
Be Flexible
The thing about baby life that I didn’t understand until it happened is how much of a schedule you’re on — whether or not you’re a “schedule person.” Because even though (some) babies can nap anywhere, they also need to eat every two to three hours, which sort of lays out your day. What this meant for me is that even though I can put something on the calendar, I’m going to actually be able to do it sometime within 20-30 minutes of that time. I might get lucky and it’s that exact time, but it also might not be. I’ve learned to stay in good communication with people on the days that we have plans, just to make sure that everyone gives buy in as plans change throughout the day.
I have a friend very close by who had a baby 4 days before me. I thought that she would be the one that I was spending the majority of family leave with, but because we have two different baby schedules to align to, it hasn’t been able to happen as frequently as I’d hoped. (At least up until 3 months, maybe it will increase when they start to be awake for longer periods of time.) The friend category that has been most easily able to squeeze into these ever-changing in-person slots are the friends without children who are able to be on a more flexible time table.
Keep Inviting Them
Don’t stop inviting people because they just had a baby. Not to say that everyone is as stubborn as I am, but I did, in fact make it to morning coffee four days after having a baby. My logic on this was that if they expect you to get back out to a pediatrician’s office two days after getting home after giving birth, I could make it to coffee (especially if you drive door-to-door and it’s under an hour). Every set of parents has a different philosophy on what leaving the house looks like and a different level of built in help (or comfort level with babysitters), and as new parents are settling into what it means for them, give them chances to test their own limits and boundaries. In my brain, if you start leaving the house early, you’re more likely to continue to do so.
On top of the fact that they might join you, it reminds them / us that you’re still loved, needed, important, and a whole person in your own right. It really is amazing how fast everything becomes about the small human, so to have an adult invitation somewhere can really just help keep things in perspective. (You were a whole person before the baby got here with thoughts, feelings, opinions, and interests and you will be a whole person after the baby arrives… someday.)
Ask About Their Baby Handling Preferences
A word of caution. Every new parent is going to have their own thoughts on risk tolerance when it comes to holding (and touching) the baby. It’s best to ask if things are okay before just doing them. New parents may not even be aware of how to draw boundaries around babies yet. (This is not me saying they might not be a good communicator — it’s more that you don’t even know what you’re up against until it happens.) I learn more about what my boundaries are everyday and it’s usually because someone crossed one I didn’t know existed (like the day I went to a party and someone just started handing my baby to people I didn’t know).
Things you may want to consider asking about are:
If it’s okay to touch the baby — you could even be more specific on this an ask if it’s okay to touch their feet, their hands, their face, etc - feet are most likely a yes, hands or face may have more caveats, especially if the baby has recently discovered their hands and keeps putting them in their mouth
if it’s okay to hold the baby
if it’s okay to hand the baby to someone else (this one was wild to me)
if it’s okay to put the pacifier back in their mouth
if there’s any vaccines you should have before touching the baby.
Always wash your hands before touching the baby when possible. And if you have been sick, have been exposed to someone who was sick, or have small humans at home who are often sick, consider wearing or asking if you should wear a mask. By asking any one of these questions and seeing the new parent’s response you can gauge how many more questions you should continue asking. There’s no such thing as asking too many questions (unless they’ve already answered them and hoping for their answer to change).
And If You Want to Treat Them…
Which is honestly truly never, ever required. Your presence (in any capacity) is the present. (Truly, it’s something that cannot be replaced.) But the things that have been the most useful and/or made me feel the most seen —
Monetarily speaking: Door dash or restaurant gift cards (aka something to help with the food situation for when you’re exhausted and still need to feed yourself), a favorite beverage (for me a chai or a bubble tea), and/or anything from one’s registry (I would assume),
Non-monetarily speaking: I cannot say this enough: someone to sit on the couch with you or to text you or to talk to you on the phone and make you feel like a whole person. Other than that — ask how they’re doing, text messages, Instagram DMs, a really thoughtful card, a book for the kid (which honestly can be cheap/thrifted/your old book) with a note in the front), photos of you and the kid together (you can take all the selfies in the world, but still can’t capture what you really look like together easily and candidly), a streaming service login, and/or hand-me-downs that I’m able to refuse without feeling bad about it.
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Years ago I had friends answer the question “how do you stay in touch with your friends with kids?” and I wrote a post about their answers. As I go back and read this post I realize there’s a lot of great advice in there, but also that each parent is going to do things differently (for example, my husband definitely does not turn into a pumpkin at 8:00pm). I had another post from back in the day as well where Instafather Andy wrote about friendship after a baby. In general, they all gave some advice that just I didn’t understand until I made it to this phase of life. It’s one of those things that you just understand more the more you are ingratiated in that life. And for the friends who choose never to do this (who your parent-friends are probably jealous of quite a bit - or at least I am - yes, already), we appreciate you. And we thank you for your continued interest in our lives as things change.
